When you’re a high school student, your dreams of college are full of debauchery, alcohol, and doing it. Girls fantasize about the plethora of hot older college dudes at their disposal, while guys fantasize about college girls who are ready to experiment.
In reality, college is a lot less hot than you would imagine. When banging does occur, it’s fueled by plastic bottles of vodka and followed by morning after pills and confusion. Girls are going to class in sweat pants rather than mini skirts, and more dudes have beer bellies than six packs.
But, if you’re going to go for the quintessential college experience, you’ve got to get laid in the library. As a senior graduating in a couple of months, I figured it was time to say goodbye to the library, which I went to all of ten times, by getting penetrated in it. Although I’m no stranger to doing it in semi-public educational places, it was actually much easier than I expected.
Schedules Matter
I said that doing it in the library was easy, but that’s because my boyfriend and I specifically chose to get freaky in the library during the first week of the semester. If you go during midterms or finals week, you might end up doing it on top of that nerdy kid in your Chem class. When we went to the library, there were only about 10 people maximum on each floor, and it was very doubtful that anybody reserved rooms the first week of the term. Because of that, we easily slipped into a private study room towards the back corner of the basement that was partially hidden by shelves.
That being said, there was a decent amount of planning that went into this. We didn’t just waltz by the library one day and decide it was as good a time as ever to f*ck among the bookshelves. We’d been wanting to bang in the library for a while, but we knew we had to wait until the beginning of a semester where the library would be the least crowded. We also chose to go to the library slightly later in the evening (around 6 p.m.) where we hoped there wouldn’t be any new classes doing that whole “introduction to the library” type of bs. Lastly, I made sure that I was wearing an outfit that was easy to slip on and off.
Forego The Foreplay
Just because there weren’t a lot of people in the library when we had our little rendezvous doesn’t mean that we weren’t nervous. I mean damn, what if I didn’t get my degree because I got caught fornicating on a limited edition of Hamlet? That would be a bummer. Instead of leisurely taking our time having passionate kisses and oral on a shitty fake-wooden table, we got right down to penetration. I recommend getting yourself going by looking at some porn or erotic fiction, whatever you’re into, while in the library before you start taking your clothes off.
Don’t Get Anything On The Books
Remember when Ludacris sang, “we can do it in the library on top of books, but you can’t get too loud”? I think he was referring to someone who actually had their own library, because I’m pretty sure in any public or university library, someone is going to find you getting railed on top of the encyclopedias and you’ll probably have to pay some sort of fine for having your bare ass on top of classic works of literature.
Instead, utilize the more private areas in your campus library. You could go to the bathroom for extra privacy, but that kind of defeats the whole library feel of things. I would say that the way to go is to find an unreserved study room to do your dirty deed in, because actually getting it on between the shelves seems like you’re just waiting for some old librarian or confused freshman to walk by and take a video for his Snapchat story.
Shh… The F Up
Obviously, you’re going to have to be quiet while you’re in the library. No moaning of your boo’s name or screaming “f*ck me harder.” But also, you don’t need to run around campus bragging to everybody about how you had an orgasm in the library. Definitely, definitely don’t write an article about your experiences and publish it for the world to see. Just because your college seems to be run by a bunch of old white dudes doesn’t mean that they’re not hip to social media or gossip and that they won’t find out about the condom that you left the trashcan next to the Art History section. The only thing worse than getting caught by your university whilst in the act would be to get an angry email two weeks later asking you to meet with the Dean.